happy anniversary!

I'd like to take a moment to wish my blog a happy anniversary...it's been one hell of a year for writing, woohoo! Many thanks to my readers...old and new. Yes, I love you all.

The anniversary of 28SOTC planted an epiphany in my brain earlier today: It takes work to keep up something good. Ideas never transport themselves...even the good ones.

With longevity comes confidence...with history comes comfort and when we are comfortable we take our world for granted. What we tend to take most for granted after time usually involves our passion, love, and utility. What? I have a thing for words in 3s. But...this is true.

We forget that novelty is what carries us only initially in life's adventures. We are in tune with what's happening to us in our new job, new relationship, new location, new dreams...but often we forget as time moves forward that novelty is ephemeral. Our attention spans are no better than that of a 5 year old who isn't obsessed with his new toy anymore...because there is always something newer, something more exciting to come; there is always something we've not conquered yet. Remember, people are overly indulgent creatures.

We succumb to captivation because we love when our hearts rise into our throats and we nearly explode, sweetly gasping for air. We are having a love affair with thrills...but can we really be blamed?

When I first started writing for 28SOTC, I was fueled by my dreams of the expression I couldn't have put in public before due to the nonexistence of blogs. The inspiration to write about any and everything shot through my circulatory system daily. As time passed, I found less and less time for writing. But I always had an excuse...I always had a reason. I was tired. I didn't have time.

Everyday I could find less time to do the things that recreate novelty in my relationship, for my job, etc....it seems easier and almost more appealing to have an autopilot switch. However, we can't just exist, we have to live. Growing up teaches you that living is not effortless 90% of the time. We have to try constantly. We have to push constantly for the shit we claim to care about. It's OK to crave the brilliance of your future that exists in your dreams...but only one thing is real right now...the present.

If we keep looking for a fast forward button, life will move past us and we'll miss the fleeting beauty that is the current.

Everything that matters most to us will have plenty of anniversaries.

do you know what an ACoA is?

You work with them. You go to school with them. You are friends with them. You ride the train with them. They are the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Adult Children of Alcoholics is a book by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. It was a New York Times bestseller...in the 1980s. It is a book I was a little reluctant to read until about 3 weeks ago during my last days of residing at home with my mom. I say 'residing' because I was hardly living. All the bad things in the world only happen to my mom. I know that this is hardly the truth and I must remind her of how fortunate she is because I am her parent. I have never been a child and needless to say the role I took on in my family at 5 years old is the same role I will be viewed to have at 55 years old, barring any major changes in my parents habits.

There are 13 distinctive characteristics of an ACoA (and some of these are not limited to ACoAs and an ACoA may not show signs of all of these characteristics):

-ACoAs guess at what normal behavior is.

-ACoAs have difficulty following a project thru to its completion.

-ACoAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

-ACoAs judge themselves without mercy.

-ACoAs have difficulty having fun.

-ACoAs take themselves very seriously.

-ACoAs have difficult with intimate relationships.

-ACoAs overreact to changes over which they have no control.

-ACoAs constantly seek approval or affirmation.

-ACoAs usually feel that they are different from other people.

-ACoAs are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

-ACoAs are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

-ACoAs are impulsive.

Although I am not finished with the book, reading it has shined a light on a very basic fact of our world today; the true effect that alcoholism has on families and children has still not been fully acknowledged, recognized, or researched. Growing up I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to be opposite of the people who brought me into this world. I always remembered people that would say they grew up to be just like their mother or father without fail. Despite all of the time spent trying to change something that had not fully shaped yet, during my most crucial developmental years...I am finding that not all that much changed. I wake up and see my mother's face in the mirror almost everyday. I find myself resentful that I see normalcy around me and I can't attain it, grasp it, or become it. This book has opened my eyes a bit to my own issues and to the fact that the language of suffering is universal.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has ever had an alcoholic friend or family member...especially those who have come into contact with an ACoA. It has helped thousands understand the thinking that comes with this kind of traumatic upbringing, an upbringing that doesn't get the national attention it warrants.

the perks of being a wallflower

"so, this is my life. and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-- the perks of being a wallflower

Yes, I am still alive. I haven't written in a while. OK, I'll write something that isn't more obvious...

I started my new job...my new government job...the job that is going to take me higher than...yea whatever. It's been good so far and I haven't wanted to judge it too quickly. A sister of mine told me recently that "people hate change, they are programmed to regard it as dangerous." The job does not suck but the change does. I miss my VA peeps and I actually felt more at home being an intern, as odd as that may sound. There is a serious gap in cohorts at my new and current office. I'd have to walk around for a long time in order to find someone my age. Everyone here is a "veteran fed"...they have been here, or in government...forever.

Last week, I had the day off for Veterans' Day and I went home. Upon returning to work the following day, when I walked into my office it felt normal for the first time. I would be lying if I explained it only by saying that "it felt normal". It actually just felt like acceptance. I didn't feel so foreign to my space when I came in. My challenging morning drag transformed from just that into an actual routine where familiarity is actually my new partner in crime. I am now searching for apartments because despite my deepest wishes, I have been considering moving back home to save money. Metaphorically speaking, I can go home and live right at the eye of a hurricane or I can stick it out in DC and eat beans out of can on occasion.

I think everyday of how much my life has changed in just 6 months. I am reminded of the Good Ol' Song and the walks to class I deemed ordinary and meaningless, everyday when I yawn because I am so tired...and I did not have the option to just skip work like I would have skipped class.

I am happy to be on my own and excited to see my life unfold but something is missing. I am sad that my life from 6 months is gone forever and it's something I don't really understand right now. I am going to take it one step at a time and all I want is for it to make sense one day and feel normal the next.

femme fatales and the real world

Part I

I spent an awesome past weekend in the Empire State with my boopiece, a few of my sisters, and some friends. I had a wonderful time being out and about. Some conversation tidbits made me realize that I'm in such a good place in my life currently. I am fortunate enough to be lame.

I spoke with several people about the supposed phenomenon that occurs sometime during a young person's transition from college to what I reluctantly call 'the real world'. I very spitefully accept that my cohort seems to feel that somehow people who are 0-22 years old are not real people. This phenomenon can be described as the transition from 'cool' to 'lame' or 'whack'. In my own personal experience, it's not that I won't go out and party but I have lost the interest. I'd rather spend my weekend traveling somewhere, seeing new movies, sleeping, trying news foods, etc.

By no means has alcohol lost its sloppy appeal but other things are just more appealing now and I mean now in a sense that the present is more valuable because I have less present to myself. While in college, the entire present was mine and for what I decided. Now I have to make a living...or I will die. Coming into work or attempting to do so hungover or otherwise disheveled from the activities of the night before not only brings me closer to dying but it also just isn't fun. It was fine to drink forever one night and evade class the following day in order to get well and still graduate...but I can't evade work and still get paid. I actually have to perform to get what I want AND need. How ridiculous is it that that's the bottom line?

Perhaps, it's just a couple thing. I have evidence for this. Most of my current post-grad friends who are single are very much bound but only to themselves and their own social wishes. Some drink like fishes still and others just spend hours reading or working out. Their habits have not changed much because they are not accommodating the interest of a lover and the ensuing circle of friends that comes with a lover. Unless someone is in an abusive relationship, I am not insinuating that having a lover is binding. However, with (healthy) couples there seems to be a place where both people have encased a space of mutuality so that things can be done together and enjoyed together. This is also the space where, the real world aside, both people are entirely free to be themselves. People change us; we are not the same with every friend, acquaintance, or lover. Is it because I am in a relationship that my college and single ways of behaving have become completely obsolete? Perhaps because I am 100% happy with my boyfriend I don't feel the need to waste away in obliteration every night. I repeat, I am not against dranking.

If it's not a couple thing or a single thing to party or not party, wouldn't it be too judgmental to say it's a matter of maturity level? How can I hate on someone for doing what they wanna do? And since when is it a crime to party when you are mature? A sister of mine has suggested that we don't party as often because we are secure. There's no need to market ourselves in the artificial microcosm that is the club or the bar.

My relationship aside, I have generally lost interest in the party scene and the sheer inconvenience of it. For this I am lame. For growing up I am whack...but I can honestly say that I am happy. I am exploring, paving roads, and tearing down old structures. While I am sure I'd enjoy going back a few years to my more careless times to recreate ruckus...I realized this past weekend that I can still have that.

Part II

Having decent friends is part of this whole real world debacle. There are no friendships like the ones in college because its becoming harder to facilitate relationships and meet people...because the streets are no longer lined with people that are all my age and bearing the same weights. Now, I butt heads with any and everyone and they all boast different burdens and brains.

As a female there's nothing of the same value as connecting with other sterling women. When I reunited with some of the greatest females I've ever met this weekend, I felt overjoyed. I was able to be myself around them and we have history; familiarity can be a beautiful thing. Having decent female friends has always been a struggle for me. This weekend I really felt I was around good people and I had a good time. It was good on so many levels. Of course I had a good time with my boopiece as always but I had a good time just letting loose and being entirely feminine and crazy. I took too many pictures, drank too much, my dress too short, my heels too high.

On Sunday, I met up with another friend in a more academic environment at the Met. Minus craziness, I was able to be girlesque with her...complain about working too hard, walking too much, and boys being too stupid.

I'd love it if these women lived within 10 minutes of me, we'd be so ride or die. They are hours away but even from afar, I love them. I love who they are and who they make me. The real world is not that bad after all.

the rare intern

[recall: August Disability Hiring Fair]

The 'superhero' line I used at the hiring fair exactly one month ago must have worked. The more I think about the job opportunity I was recently offered...my point of success must have occurred at the moment I used that line upon being put on the spot of all spots by the man I then presumed to be jerk, the same man...that is now going to be my boss. My only feeling about him now is confusion because he doesn't laugh when I say something funny. He must be weird because I am funny. I know I'm funny.

It had to be that line...I was competing with applicants who had their Masters. I know that weird kid that proceeded to stare me down had a Masters degree but not only was he weird, he wasn't me...he wasn't rare. I was recently put in charge of the newsletter at my current job/internship and I am actually glad that upon editing my article another co-worker proceeded to delete everything of value including the part where I laid out the specifics of my first experience with the man that is now going to be my boss. Whew...that would have caused problems.

My current supervisor is wonderful although she is a practicing office sideho...God Bless her heart. Because of her I have had the opportunity to handle things in my office that no other intern before me has. Because of her I was granted an internship extension to end in the middle of December whereas originally my last day would have been tomorrow . And now I can say despite the global state of affairs, in just 9 weeks and within 5 months of graduating, I have obtained permanent employment. I should be proud because as my co-worker David said, "It's rare for an intern to find placement so quickly". Right...who would have thought that I, out of approximately 1,400 other applicants, would be the success story?

I would have more readily accepted a position in my current office, I am nervous about leaving. I am excited too. My new job seems great and pays well but it's change. I have taken a risk and beggars can't be choosers, especially in this economy blah blah blah.

My new job will require me to commute to Southeast DC each day instead of beautiful Northwest...across from my lover, Barack Obama. Having eaten lunch in NW every day for the past few months, I got comfortable with the area and it's overflow of decent, above average restaurants...what if my new job isn't near good food? I need good food. What if I don't have a nice office/cube? What if they don't pay for my transit? What if I don't get 2 computers? What if my hours suck? What if I only have a 30 minute lunch break and I can't take an hour? What if no one likes me? OMG, what if gchat is blocked?!

Even as an intern I have received royal treatment from the federal government over the course of my fledgling career. I am spoiled and I don't want to go to another agency, in SE, across the river from Anacostia, that may not be so great. I don't want to but I will because beggars can't be choosers. I don't want to because it may be the best decision I've ever made and I won't know it isn't...until I start working there.

Wish me luck. Woo hoo.

the plight of good people

Change is good but change can be cumbersome. We are all married to change and some of these relationships are rather dysfunctional. Rather than describe my marriage with change as dysfunctional, change has been a loyal, nurturing, sustaining, and at times dismissive partner. I have been rejected and cast aside by change but I have always been reborn anew from change. Sometimes my date shows up and sometimes my date flakes. No matter what the situation change always gears me up for the better...at least that's the bullshit we have all been fed about life's lessons: you'll be a better person, this too shall pass, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The thing about this relationship with change is that it doesn't benefit all of its partners equally or consistently causing some problems in what I'll refer to as the intelligence "food" chain(pyramid). The only prejudice I'd admit to consciously employing on a regular basis is my prejudice against the ignorant. I can't stand it if people don't have a brain!! The groups of the pyramid are classified as the following where I is the highest level one can exist at: I-The Intelligent, D-The Discernible, U-The Underestimated, M-The Malleable, & E-The Elusive.

The Intelligent are exactly that but also open to change, resourceful, reflective, social, ambitious, understanding, & educated. Discernible people are smart, witty, and capable of being distinguished. Those who are Underestimated are resourceful and fully capable of navigating the social topography of the world but lack depth thus why they perform navigation & navigation only well. They pose and move through crowds and their labels as individuals are often misread. What you see is not what you get, they have simply...well, adapted and done a good job of it. Those who are Malleable lack a sense of oneness, of individuality. Often submissive, the Malleable are compliant, transparent & plastic-ready for shaping & influence. For them the delight or comfort comes in the form of new & trendy rules to follow or perhaps a new & trendy person (usually an Underestimated). They lack boundaries. Lastly, the Elusive are ignorant & difficult to classify. They are baffling, slippery, & shifty...horrifyingly unmoved & weak at mind (and at heart occasionally). I would be worried about thoroughly explicating my prejudice but I am really not hurting anyone since your perception of your intelligence is probably a good one and you think as your reading this that I could not possibly be speaking of people like you. Hpmh.

I hold nothing specific against any of these groups because in all actuality the world needs people to make burgers at McDonald's, commit crimes, talk shit on TV, and develop weapons that will bring upon the world's end. It is usually necessary for us to know the negative of something before we can appreciate the positive. I say all this to talk about one main facet of human character: accountability. The pyramid identifies 5 different groups of people that handle taking responsibility for their actions in different ways.

Literature in philosophy describes 'the (greater) good' to be something that can be achieved by those who work to attain the utmost intelligence and identifies higher intelligence as the thing everyone should quest for. This means that most of the things that go wrong fall into the hands of the Intelligent, those who are usually committed to 'the good'. I have huge problems with this. Nothing pisses me off more when people tell me, "You are the bigger person", "you are much more mature", and "You are so much more intelligent though". This means that because I am committed to 'the good', because I am intelligent I must be person who picks up the pieces left behind by the rest of the pyramid. Not OK.

This is the plight of good people. They must always take the wheel when the plane is crashing.

The quest is a process, a journey for me. Now, I am working on the part where I intelligently realize that if I'm to be appointed to the task of saving the world...I should gladly accept. Perhaps the next thing is to figure how to infiltrate the Underestimated in the government so that I can make at least $400,000 a year. You think Obama would be jealous?

Disclaimer: My pyramid is not presupposing anything about the mentally challenged or disabled and anything about the character of anyone in particular so please don't find a reason to be offended.

you want me to do what?

I am 22 years old and after many of the earthquaking things I have been through I would have thought that my self as in who I am as in who I function as would be close to where it needs to be.  When I think now that I will probably live to be at least 70 years old, being 22 and having at least half of it figured out is to say the least impossible.  I despise when people refer to the quest of young people as them "thinking they've got it all figured out" but I'll try not to scorch your mind with my views on ageism at this time.  

Within the past year I have confronted a myriad of situations in which the person I function as fails to get me either what I want, what I need, or what I feel I deserve.  As a sidenote I firmly believe that people must learn from other people, they must get feedback from others on a consistent basis.  That is very much a part of the sociological theory that people need people & that people are necessarily social beings.  With this in mind I am sure you can imagine how traumatizing it is when it seems as though the world requires you to be someone that you are not also known as when people tell you you should be anyone but you.  It is traumatizing to me to know that not only do most people misread me terribly but they also feel that I need to be different. I am a very intense, emotional, blunt, and deep person. I am also extremely confident and intelligent.  Apparently all of these things are a rather threatening combination? I have never been the type to withhold how I feel or cower in the face of opposition.

I have been labeled crazy.  Writer I am but I can not give you the words that describe how much I detest the word "crazy". My significant other has told that he loves me for exactly who I am but that maybe people are intimidated because I rarely employ any subtlety. I would have been immediately open to this idea except that my distinction between real and fake got in my way. I deem it exceptionally fake to be angry with someone and act as though you are not. Case in point, I went on a trip with my lover and some of his friends, one of his friends being a close friend of mine whom I look at like he is my brother. His girlfriend came along and to make a long story VERY short, subsequently caused me to miss a bus headed to DC the following day which would have put me at home on time because she didn't tell him the bus time...blah blah blah. 

While sitting (or as I recall) silently fuming in another friend's car in order to determine an alternative route home he came up to the car window and tried to speak to me nonchalantly and in order to avoid telling him what I really thought I just said, "I do not wanna talk to you right now." 

Everyone in the car seemed immediately uncomfortable and this was a time I thought I had done the entirely comfortable & real thing.  I successfully avoided telling him what I thought about 1) his girlfriend, 2) what I thought about him in regards to his girlfriend, & 3) freaking out completely. Perhaps I avoided being outwardly nasty but what escaped me in all my rationale was subtlety. Well damn. 

This girl's mistake cost me amongst several things, a 7 hour bus ride, a $30 cab ride, & questioning from my mother about the "character of my friends". 

Hmm...1 of 2 things can happen...this girl can apologize & pay me back & roll back time & make me unlate or...I can be subtle. 

Decisions decisions.