the perks of being a wallflower

"so, this is my life. and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-- the perks of being a wallflower

Yes, I am still alive. I haven't written in a while. OK, I'll write something that isn't more obvious...

I started my new job...my new government job...the job that is going to take me higher than...yea whatever. It's been good so far and I haven't wanted to judge it too quickly. A sister of mine told me recently that "people hate change, they are programmed to regard it as dangerous." The job does not suck but the change does. I miss my VA peeps and I actually felt more at home being an intern, as odd as that may sound. There is a serious gap in cohorts at my new and current office. I'd have to walk around for a long time in order to find someone my age. Everyone here is a "veteran fed"...they have been here, or in government...forever.

Last week, I had the day off for Veterans' Day and I went home. Upon returning to work the following day, when I walked into my office it felt normal for the first time. I would be lying if I explained it only by saying that "it felt normal". It actually just felt like acceptance. I didn't feel so foreign to my space when I came in. My challenging morning drag transformed from just that into an actual routine where familiarity is actually my new partner in crime. I am now searching for apartments because despite my deepest wishes, I have been considering moving back home to save money. Metaphorically speaking, I can go home and live right at the eye of a hurricane or I can stick it out in DC and eat beans out of can on occasion.

I think everyday of how much my life has changed in just 6 months. I am reminded of the Good Ol' Song and the walks to class I deemed ordinary and meaningless, everyday when I yawn because I am so tired...and I did not have the option to just skip work like I would have skipped class.

I am happy to be on my own and excited to see my life unfold but something is missing. I am sad that my life from 6 months is gone forever and it's something I don't really understand right now. I am going to take it one step at a time and all I want is for it to make sense one day and feel normal the next.