"There's nothing like the brilliance of me loving me." -- A. Lopez
I've washed my hands of 2009. What a horrible, complicated, and utterly annoying year with all of its lessons and booby traps. There are only 2 good things about this year in my book: I rang it in with one of my favorite people in life and I graduated from college.
Since I've last blogged I've been swimming in growing pains and change. I've had mixed feelings about my writing and what it does for me...healthy and unhealthy. There is nothing like my appreciation for the spoken word but sometimes I write passionately and hate what results, a blinding and catastrophic swirl of words that probably don't mean anything to my readers...or anyone else in the world for that matter. I am often blinded my own circumstances, my past traumas, and current struggles...I often forget to make sense. I feel like one in a room full of many "opposites" and "differents"...like there can be no one who understands my views because ultimately there's no one else in the world like me, yes? I knew I should have been made an action figure by now.
As entirely self-centered as I may seem, lately life has been similar to walking on a tripwire suspended in mid-air above the city of my dreams that is wholly unattainable unless I am to allow myself to fall. As an act of self-defense I've spent a lot of time engulfed in my own issues, a place that is not happy 63% of the time. I desperately want self-betterment and excellence, confidence and clarity, joy and calm, intuition and sanity. Recently, I have tried my hand at minor internalization, a way of dealing with personal things way more personally...sort of like me having a conversation with who I see in the mirror as opposed to chatting with my boyfriend who would probably like to be in a coma while I talk, or maybe just shoot me. I answer my own questions, play my own games, and find my own ways to see the light in life. So far it's been...different. I write only a little now and of course, I get trapped in my own mind at times but overall I hope to achieve balance.
As a little girl I used to pick themes for each new year, as in goals to concentrate on...and for 2010 I will be resurrecting my old habit. 2010 is the year for my...[wait for it]...Positivity Makeover. I may not be writing as often but I'll still be around. As trite as the phrase "trimming the fat" is, the elimination of negativity in all regards is in full effect. I don't have to be self-centered but if things I can eliminate are not in line with where I'm trying to go or what I'm trying to do I won't hesitate to let go. I never let go and I never get over anything but this will have to change.
I'm so used to chaos that negativity feels like a normal part of the cosmos but as I've taken years to find out, it doesn't have to be. My makeover has already been graced by Glee ringtones, saved money, and frequent usage of exclamation points in texts or emails. Anything that makes me smile is not out of the question.
I made a list of 4 people that I absolutely need to lose contact with or forget about because at the end of the day all they do is make me feel like shit or act as an accomplice to such. The people on this list are all ex-boyfriends (except for one) and my complications with them have stemmed from trying to carry on post-relationship friendships. They all know that I'm conscientious and they all take advantage of it. Being nice is so overrated. Per my exit from an extremely shaky time...I am very optimistic about what is to come. Farewell '09, we'll see how this goes.
Cheers two-thousand-TEN.
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