so apparently...I'm hot

I get it now...although, I am hesitant to claim a hot slot in the world. Anyone that knows me well knows that I am NOT the one standing out in the street outside the club yelling at other girls about what a bad bitch I am and I’m the first girl to have her face fill up with blood when a guy compliments her looks in public. I usually just plant my head in my lack of bosom and walk in the opposite direction.

If there were 2 words that adequately and correctly summed up my own personal views about my own body/attractiveness, they would probably be comfortable and humble. I’m extremely acceptant of my physical flaws (for the most part) and would rather prance about the planet entirely naked the majority of the time. It’s actually incredible that I want to be a designer because…well…I have not the largest affinity for clothing, but I do at the same time. I think the fashion industry has run out of ways to re-design nudity…LOL.

Apparently, I’ve never received the memo that my sex appeal is absolutely, ridiculously, and without a doubt...through the roof....and the only way to rectify this is to die. Yep.

I've always been a both confident and vulnerable person, even in public. I speak very openly and with purpose and I always walk to where I'm going with intent in my step. In my mind, I should be or act in no other way. People often mistake my stature and attitude for conceit. I don't walk or talk in a certain way because I'm beautiful...rather, my acceptance of my own beauty seems to seep through my pores. After assessing some past events, I believe my allure to be exactly that: my extreme comfort with my public persona. Maybe what people see is security and it's intimidating…now this I could understand but…

Seriously, my attractiveness is to blame for most every single social problem I've had in the past and I can prove it. A few scenarios come to mind:

1.      Work Environment – When/if I have ever been asked to leave a job, been fired from one, or voluntarily left one it’s been in those scenarios where I’ve had a female supervisor who very overtly disliked me for no “apparent” reason. In only 2 situations where I’ve had a male boss, I’ve been asked to dress far more conservatively than a paper bag. I have to work extra hard to conceal my hotness with men and with women, there’s been no way around their dislike because women hate women in general. Impasse.

2.      Dating – Men who don’t know me have ALWAYS attacked my social persona as ultra flirty and/or desperate. Not one of my real friends, male or female, describes my social persona in this way. It is usually the men that I’ve taken interest in (or vice versa) who blame their own insecurities for nothing who claim that I “hang all over every single guy” or that I look like I’m “romantic with all of [my] guy friends”. I have had past boyfriends who have taken to jealous rage talking about how I'm "just too attractive,” and “Every man/all your male friends just want(s) to smash you.”

In dating scenarios of the past, I have never been able to be friends with an ex-boyfriend because their new girlfriend swears up and down I’m just trying to “get back,” makes every effort to slander me as a whore, and without fail she’ll invite me to fight her in the streets.

3.      Female friends – I don’t think it gets any more self-explanatory than this: “I just can’t get over how you think you are all that,” or “I said I wanted him…why was he talking to you?!” And there she goes…

4.      Females that aren’t friends – I recall walking by a group of women in a café once (this is saying a lot since I’m partially deaf) and I could hear them sneering at me, “Who does that bitch think she is? She is so pretty, ugh, I hate her.” Needless to say, I was never able to make friendly time with that clique. This type of interaction with females has haunted me since the dawn of time…so much in fact that I thought about 183,727 times before accepting the Facebook friend request of my elementary school bully. Come to think of it, it feels nice to know she is doing so poorly.

5.      Male friends – At some point we always have that awkward conversation, “So…I kinda like you…” As a person who doesn’t believe relationships/friendships are platonic once there’s even an ounce of attraction…well shit…there he goes.

6.      Males that aren’t friends – These perceptions range from the sublime to the ridiculous! The men that think I’m just a pretty face are astonished and appalled even to hear me speak intelligently. They usually run in the other direction. The cocky ones often think they still have a chance…even after I hold an intelligent conversation with myself. Next!

For the men who expect more under the pretty face, it’s a toss-up. Some of them are able to curb their expectations and fully take in the spontaneous, silly, over analytical, and intelligent character that is me…but the others end up trying to mold me into ‘wifey’ or something else that’s similar to a hamster in a cage. It’s OK that I’m intelligent but I best not open my mouth unless…he grants me permission. Yea…next!

7.      Relationships – This is where I get into the most trouble. People must be trusted only to their core. If you met me and I was kissy-facing with both males AND females in the club...it's probably not going to change just because you became my man. Shrug. That was who I was when we met and it's who I am going to be. Men love my openness when they meet me usually...then the script flips and I'm kissy facing because I'm "flirting"...hpmphh. 

The root of this problem that directly relates to the subject of this writing is that most men aren't secure enough to be with extremely attractive women (unless they render the attractive women as something less than them so as to boost their own self-image). To a point my past boyfriends have been fine with it, until other men comment about my hotness in public or do things that are outwordly disrespectful to my relationship with them. 

I recall a time when a guy who was a friend of a friend grabbed my ass in a bar (because he thought my current boyfriend was a gay friend - this is a topic of discussion for an entirely different day and year and century) and instead of handling it like a man, my boyfriend at the time decided it would be best to "forbid" me from associating with my friend from then on. It was an incident he could never let go of. He was insecure about hanging on to me because he doubted that his own attractiveness (or lack thereof) was enough to complement mine...and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the larger issue at hand.

There is nothing more shitty than being a pretty girl with substantive character because the “pretty” will always be what people judge you on first. This brings me to where I challenge our social constructs, per usual, on what “pretty”, “hot”, and “beautiful” actually mean to us. I know some will undoubtedly continue to justify and forge a connection between being a “pretty girl” and being a “whore” or even being a “pretty girl” and not being much of anything else. I personally, do not agree with this system. There are pretty girls that are whorish, smart, great in bed, dumb, clueless, nothing more than a teen mom, and there are pretty girls that are not any of these things.

I think that I was naive about others perception for so long due to my extensive conditioning while growing up from shitty little kids that told me I was an ugly and retarded duckling. It wasn't until I graduated from high school and was in my first year of college that I found my belly button, decided to pierce it, and the attention from men on my campus came in droves. LOL. Some of them were obsessed, infatuated, only one of them...in love. In general, I think the misperception of hotness lies in the attempt by men to "lock down the pretty" for all the wrong reasons.

I am NOT complaining about being a hot and intelligent woman with an in-depth personality but it's definitely a double-edged sword. Now...I'm having fun imagining the flack I'm gonna catch for this one...