I am 22 years old and after many of the earthquaking things I have been through I would have thought that my self as in who I am as in who I function as would be close to where it needs to be. When I think now that I will probably live to be at least 70 years old, being 22 and having at least half of it figured out is to say the least impossible. I despise when people refer to the quest of young people as them "thinking they've got it all figured out" but I'll try not to scorch your mind with my views on ageism at this time.
Within the past year I have confronted a myriad of situations in which the person I function as fails to get me either what I want, what I need, or what I feel I deserve. As a sidenote I firmly believe that people must learn from other people, they must get feedback from others on a consistent basis. That is very much a part of the sociological theory that people need people & that people are necessarily social beings. With this in mind I am sure you can imagine how traumatizing it is when it seems as though the world requires you to be someone that you are not also known as when people tell you you should be anyone but you. It is traumatizing to me to know that not only do most people misread me terribly but they also feel that I need to be different. I am a very intense, emotional, blunt, and deep person. I am also extremely confident and intelligent. Apparently all of these things are a rather threatening combination? I have never been the type to withhold how I feel or cower in the face of opposition.
I have been labeled crazy. Writer I am but I can not give you the words that describe how much I detest the word "crazy". My significant other has told that he loves me for exactly who I am but that maybe people are intimidated because I rarely employ any subtlety. I would have been immediately open to this idea except that my distinction between real and fake got in my way. I deem it exceptionally fake to be angry with someone and act as though you are not. Case in point, I went on a trip with my lover and some of his friends, one of his friends being a close friend of mine whom I look at like he is my brother. His girlfriend came along and to make a long story VERY short, subsequently caused me to miss a bus headed to DC the following day which would have put me at home on time because she didn't tell him the bus time...blah blah blah.
While sitting (or as I recall) silently fuming in another friend's car in order to determine an alternative route home he came up to the car window and tried to speak to me nonchalantly and in order to avoid telling him what I really thought I just said, "I do not wanna talk to you right now."
Everyone in the car seemed immediately uncomfortable and this was a time I thought I had done the entirely comfortable & real thing. I successfully avoided telling him what I thought about 1) his girlfriend, 2) what I thought about him in regards to his girlfriend, & 3) freaking out completely. Perhaps I avoided being outwardly nasty but what escaped me in all my rationale was subtlety. Well damn.
This girl's mistake cost me amongst several things, a 7 hour bus ride, a $30 cab ride, & questioning from my mother about the "character of my friends".
Hmm...1 of 2 things can happen...this girl can apologize & pay me back & roll back time & make me unlate or...I can be subtle.
Decisions decisions.
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