I didn't ask for money. I didn't bring money up at all. He handed me a wad of cash, put his hazard lights on, and wanted to take a picture of us on his blackberry...and then he put a big wet one on my cheek. So weird. After driving away, he left me a voicemail at work telling me that he was grateful for my spending time with him.
Forgiveness sort of sucks and its one of those things that lies outside of the proverbial gray area when you least expect it to. It's inside one day and out the other. It makes you feel better one day and it makes you feel like shit the next.
My father is probably the last person I'd think to contact for a lunch date but my brain didn't seem to think so when I sent him a short email invitation to have lunch with me last week. He accepted and my father and I haven't bonded in nearly 10 years. He doesn't listen well, he doesn't show respect, and he rarely reaches out to me...oh and by the way, he is also a psychopath, really.
Lunch was enjoyable and I tried my hardest to curb any stirring discomfort. There came a lot of times when he would say something like, "I am not a bad person, but.." and I'd think, "Oh, but you are." There were a lot of times when I could see the good in him flicker for a split second across his face in an ephemeral expression. It is difficult to find the good in a person you know (medically) can't empathize with others while also knowing that that lack of humanity is the very reason you nearly hate them.
I try to convince myself that despite my father's past(?) penchant for putting me down, he is actually proud of me. He has to be...for all I've done. Somewhere inside underneath all that ugly insanity sometimes he thinks, "Wow."
I'm impressed by my ability to put his craziness aside time and time again. Some days I feel OK with letting him in and spending time with him. Some days the thought of him would never materialize. Sometimes it takes a huge effort to put aside your past but other times all it takes is sending a one line email.
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