karma's one song

"So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this shit"

When I was younger I had this theory that when I died my heaven would be the one place riddled with all my favorite songs consistently. I'd have a sort of living afterlife, sort of like being a person on Earth minus the anguish, mistrust, evil and pain...but I'd have a soundtrack.

I believed that music was and always would be my best friend. It's interesting to think that growing up I rarely "heard" (understood) the lyrics of the music I was listening to because of my hearing impairment but nonetheless I befriended an inanimate and completely intangible, widely appreciated art that unites hearts, minds, bodies, souls, futures, pasts, presents...fingers and hands. A childhood and a half later, I exist with relatively the same belief as that naïve young girl.

Part II of my belief centered around the belief that if I put my heart and soul into one life of being the best person I could be I would have good karma in life and in death and my soundtrack would be one long collaborative, everflowing song...a summation of my goodness...karma's one song.

I've heard many people talk about their disbelief in many things, usually god, luck, and Lindsay Lohan. Lately, I've been reflecting upon karma and whether the wishful doctrine of the young girl I used to be is real...

I've previously mentioned this wonderful psychology book written by my past professor, The Happiness Hypothesis. Along with many other psychologically sound ideas, Mr. Jonathan Haidt suggests that karma is entirely coincidental and only exists because people have multiple systems of critiquing and punishing offenders of perceived moral (and legal) code. I say psychologically sound because they seem to be coherent with how people think and live. A married man who cheats only has bad karma because the likelihood of him meeting a woman that can cheat on him is high. Cheaters, murders, liars, rapists, the vain, and the selfish of the world are NOT few and far between. Essentially bad karma only exists for one bad person because we all know that there's plenty of bad in the world (that this bad person could potentially come into contact with). The negative is more commonplace than the positive...but I think this is totally our fault.

It is easy to forget that people are animals and several primitive things are naturally inherent to us. We defend our relationships, our beliefs, and often our own irrationality. I think this is why people think of karma as some sort of personal revenge. It makes us feel better when we feel wronged to think that the person who offended us will experience an event directly related to and because of the hurt they've caused us. I think this thinking is strictly convenient.

Nonetheless, I often wonder what it would take to fully combat the defensiveness and the assumption that even the people we should least suspect will hurt us.

I definitely don't claim to be above the mistrust and irrationality I describe...but I have a very good excuse. As a victim of abuse and rape I find it difficult to picture a world where not everyone is out there to hurt me. I usually assume the worst from the most random of people I meet or encounter even if it means I had to make up an elaborate story in my head about why that girl leaned over to whisper to her girlfriend about something as I walked by...

Some may describe this as insecurity but I'm actually just uber aware of my surroundings and what people are doing around me...and rightly so. If anything seems odd to me I throw my imaginary shield up and the clarity of my eyesight becomes profoundly sharp. I am doing something that is entirely characteristic of my animal and my human...looking out for myself. If I knew I could do something to prevent myself from feeling certain types of pain I've experienced in times past...I'd always do them. Whether perceived or actual...my defense mechanisms suit me. Everyone's defense mechanisms do...until someone or something challenges them. I hope that my challenges will enable me to pay more attention to myself rather than others. I can take pride in the fact that whether my defense mechanisms and my vision for the world may be counteracting...I am always trying to reach out and break social barriers.

One situation comes to mind immediately: I recall sending someone an encouraging message. I could relate to the struggle she was having and for me the same struggle catalyzed several life changes for me. I imagined that while it may not affect her quite in the same way, she could feel comfortable knowing that someone sympathized...even if I was the last person she "should" feel comfortable talking to. Yea, social code won in that situation.

We easily forget that other than ourselves we really know nothing else. The world we see is not the same world that anyone else sees. With that said, I'd agree with Haidt...karma only exists because people do. We are necessarily and exhaustively social; we'll always find ways to enforce adherence to our own social codes BUT this doesn’t mean we should be neglecting our own self-imagery to suit that of a society that we can’t possibly be more intimate with than ourselves.

Now I think of karma slightly different than that little girl did. It's not just about rightful and genuine actions, it's about the attempt to push myself out of the proverbial comfort zone of the world. It’s about me and what I think of myself in addition to knowing that I must always be attempting to make my world better…this is GOOD karma.

I'll be friends with people I "shouldn't", I'll say what's on my mind even if it's "inappropriate"....it's about breaking the rules that no one wants to break because of social formality. I owe it to myself to over reach my boundaries in the hopes that I’ll be a better person for it…because if I’m a better person for me, I’m ultimately a better person for the world. It's never about what other people think because no one else's perceptions make your decisions.

Karma is 'continuity of attempt'. I feel like a solid person knowing that I try...knowing that someday in a quiet room I'll know that all the internet brawls, first impressions, broken hearts, and last dances will prove worthy. Making mistakes is OK and being hurtful to others is part of life. I am good enough for the world and always have been.

Do what you can for yourself but always try to understand the rest of the world. Be true to the golden rule but never stop trying to be/do better for the world.