do you know what an ACoA is?

You work with them. You go to school with them. You are friends with them. You ride the train with them. They are the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Adult Children of Alcoholics is a book by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. It was a New York Times bestseller...in the 1980s. It is a book I was a little reluctant to read until about 3 weeks ago during my last days of residing at home with my mom. I say 'residing' because I was hardly living. All the bad things in the world only happen to my mom. I know that this is hardly the truth and I must remind her of how fortunate she is because I am her parent. I have never been a child and needless to say the role I took on in my family at 5 years old is the same role I will be viewed to have at 55 years old, barring any major changes in my parents habits.

There are 13 distinctive characteristics of an ACoA (and some of these are not limited to ACoAs and an ACoA may not show signs of all of these characteristics):

-ACoAs guess at what normal behavior is.

-ACoAs have difficulty following a project thru to its completion.

-ACoAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

-ACoAs judge themselves without mercy.

-ACoAs have difficulty having fun.

-ACoAs take themselves very seriously.

-ACoAs have difficult with intimate relationships.

-ACoAs overreact to changes over which they have no control.

-ACoAs constantly seek approval or affirmation.

-ACoAs usually feel that they are different from other people.

-ACoAs are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

-ACoAs are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

-ACoAs are impulsive.

Although I am not finished with the book, reading it has shined a light on a very basic fact of our world today; the true effect that alcoholism has on families and children has still not been fully acknowledged, recognized, or researched. Growing up I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to be opposite of the people who brought me into this world. I always remembered people that would say they grew up to be just like their mother or father without fail. Despite all of the time spent trying to change something that had not fully shaped yet, during my most crucial developmental years...I am finding that not all that much changed. I wake up and see my mother's face in the mirror almost everyday. I find myself resentful that I see normalcy around me and I can't attain it, grasp it, or become it. This book has opened my eyes a bit to my own issues and to the fact that the language of suffering is universal.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has ever had an alcoholic friend or family member...especially those who have come into contact with an ACoA. It has helped thousands understand the thinking that comes with this kind of traumatic upbringing, an upbringing that doesn't get the national attention it warrants.

the golden rule

Everyday, in a movement of perceptibly sane humanity, we all employ a set of social norms. We often forget that this set is the machine that ultimately weaves the fabric of our social interactions with others. As I am sure you can recall I am a believer in sociological theory about the human need for other humans. In my quest for self-improvement I have realized lately that one rule, should it be considered a legit social rule, is consistently violated or discounted altogether. We all know the golden rule, it is taught to us at a very young age in an effort to do what else but socialize us. Just in case other people are familiar with saucy or otherwise interesting golden rules that I know nothing about I am speaking about this one: "Treat others as you would like to be treated." OK, I think we would all agree, with the exception of extreme masochists, that we would like to be treated nicely, fairly, sweetly, considerately, with some wining and dining and the occasional massage, no? Bearing that in mind it is still beyond me why it is so difficult for one to get some reciprocity. 

I shared one of my experiences with this with my lover when I came to him one day and said in reference to a friend of a friend, "This girl, she is so mean to me and for absolutely no reason. I have never done anything to her!! I am completely polite & courteous to her so she should be the same to me!!" He replied calmly, "Perhaps she should but she does not have to, she does not have to be anything" which catalyzed the boiling of my blood. I wasn't angry but fascinated by my sudden & late realization that people are not actually bound by a lot of the rules of social interaction. 

We agree for the most part that murder is wrong, parking tickets aren't actually that serious, celebrities should be subject to real people penalties, & that Barney should definitely have done jail time for molesting children. However, what intrigues me is that my lover is absolutely right. No one has to be nice even if you are nice and perfectly respectful of them. No one has to do anything. 

What strikes me is that we seem to be so preoccupied with alienating ourselves from others and not necessarily on purpose. We see a person and "we proceed with caution". We learn to mistrust our fellow man and scrutinize him with the same eyes that we use to grant self-appraisal. We grant humans the same regard we might grant an alien impostor, as though they are here to take from us, to hurt us. I am not saying that it is unfit in some cases to "proceed with caution" as there are people who fully intend to hurt others. However, I argue that we all share at least one thing in common with each other and that is human-ness which seems to be synonymous with "capability and willingness to fuck up". 

You have 2 choices: You can be amiable and take one for the team or...why don't you go home,

lay out two lines of your narcissism,

which is your blow,

draw the shades,

take the phone off the hook,

grab a straw,

and snort!!