do you know what an ACoA is?

You work with them. You go to school with them. You are friends with them. You ride the train with them. They are the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Adult Children of Alcoholics is a book by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. It was a New York Times bestseller...in the 1980s. It is a book I was a little reluctant to read until about 3 weeks ago during my last days of residing at home with my mom. I say 'residing' because I was hardly living. All the bad things in the world only happen to my mom. I know that this is hardly the truth and I must remind her of how fortunate she is because I am her parent. I have never been a child and needless to say the role I took on in my family at 5 years old is the same role I will be viewed to have at 55 years old, barring any major changes in my parents habits.

There are 13 distinctive characteristics of an ACoA (and some of these are not limited to ACoAs and an ACoA may not show signs of all of these characteristics):

-ACoAs guess at what normal behavior is.

-ACoAs have difficulty following a project thru to its completion.

-ACoAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

-ACoAs judge themselves without mercy.

-ACoAs have difficulty having fun.

-ACoAs take themselves very seriously.

-ACoAs have difficult with intimate relationships.

-ACoAs overreact to changes over which they have no control.

-ACoAs constantly seek approval or affirmation.

-ACoAs usually feel that they are different from other people.

-ACoAs are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

-ACoAs are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

-ACoAs are impulsive.

Although I am not finished with the book, reading it has shined a light on a very basic fact of our world today; the true effect that alcoholism has on families and children has still not been fully acknowledged, recognized, or researched. Growing up I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to be opposite of the people who brought me into this world. I always remembered people that would say they grew up to be just like their mother or father without fail. Despite all of the time spent trying to change something that had not fully shaped yet, during my most crucial developmental years...I am finding that not all that much changed. I wake up and see my mother's face in the mirror almost everyday. I find myself resentful that I see normalcy around me and I can't attain it, grasp it, or become it. This book has opened my eyes a bit to my own issues and to the fact that the language of suffering is universal.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has ever had an alcoholic friend or family member...especially those who have come into contact with an ACoA. It has helped thousands understand the thinking that comes with this kind of traumatic upbringing, an upbringing that doesn't get the national attention it warrants.

glass half...empty?

Balance. is. a. bitch. Not only is it difficult to achieve but it stays riding on my last nerve. Like most people I have my off days and I have been known to describe my off mood as a feeling of 'empty'. 'I feel empty'. But what does that mean?

[I feel that one gains emotional intelligence by experiencing and internalizing emotional occurrences. By internalizing I do not mean acting like the average 18 year old boy does when he is hurt and refuses to cry or complain about it. I mean internalization in the way that can be used to interpret and extract personal meaning from experiences so lessons can be learned and remembered. In spite of all this one can imagine my relief at having come across some individuals that are much more emotionally intelligent after dealing with a bunch of idiots from Elusive headquarters. I don't believe that ability and desire to delve into emotional experiences can be attributed solely to being a woman. One must have a certain impetus.]

Now I am not exactly sure whether I believe the evidence that exists to show that dreams give us insight about our lives or current endeavors. That is not to say that I don't believe they give us insight...I am just not buying into the hints marketed in the next copy of the dream dictionary on the bookshelf. To me there is nothing that can demystify the clandestine nature of our minds...unless for some reason humans suddenly become able to use 90% of their brains rather than a mere 10%. Then the interpretative strength of our own minds might actually be a force to be reckoned with.

I had a very salient dream last week that stuck with me. I felt 'empty' the next day. I was in reflection mode during which I tossed the images I dreamt about around in my head all day long...ended up being pretty exhausting. My dream went something like this:

[I had just hopped out of the shower after washing my hair when someone showed up at my place to offer me a job. They let me know that Booz Allen Hamilton, a reputable consulting firm that actually exists in McLean, Virginia, wanted to hire me. My pay would be $115,000/year. I am immediately interested and thus do not have time to blow dry or flat iron my hair. I get dressed and next thing I know I'm at the headquarters with a bunch of other young new hires. We meet the jovial owner/President/? of the company and he seems thrilled that we are all there. A few of us, including me, are to join him in his helicopter to go to some other place, a satellite office I believe. We are literally flying through/above traffic in DC...dodging the corners of buildings. The helicopter ride was sweet but there was a lot of turbulence. We were rolling all around in that thing but just as I was prepared to say something, a few faces signaled to me that it was still safe. It was apparent to me that all of us were safe even though I felt a little frightened by the helicopter obvious unruliness. The last part is a bit blurry...I was telling my man that I was going to be on travel for 7 months in a country with a weird name that doesn't actually exist as part of this new position. I would be back after that period but it would thwart our dream of moving in together when we had planned. I told him I needed to think about it.]

There was nothing depressing about this dream. It was exciting and calm simultaneously, if you can imagine the coexistence of those 2 characteristics. However, as great as it sounds, I can't help but panic about this dream.

INTERPRETATION: Booz Allen Hamilton is a well known firm and the pay was going to be ridiculous. This says something about the high standards I hold myself to and the way I relate to social standards for acceptable and high achievement. My hair was still wet and undone when I left to go accept this job which iconifies my own impatience. Additionally, it signifies the pressure I feel to find a stable and by my own standards (and those of society), successful occupation. Although helicopters are objects of flight and flight is usually a positive signifier of freedom, access, and success...the one in my dream was not operating smoothly or safely. The fact that all of us were silent even despite our awareness of the helicopter's lack of control signifies the acceptance that people usually have of life's spontaneity. My compliance with the silence signifies my personal hope and trust in life's spontaneity as well as my willingness to trust others around me. Lastly, the fact that this great opportunity was going to stand in the way of another dream of mine signifies the difficult choices we must make in the face of life's spontaneous offerings or misgivings. The 7 month travel period is a devil in an angel's disguise. Traveling placed an extension on the time I must wait to make my original dream of moving in my man happen in addition to forcing me to deal with more of life's unknowns in an unrecognizable place, while being away from him.

Without consulting a dream dictionary, I have come to a few conclusions about myself and the era of which I am part of. First, we are no longer living in the era of the YUPPY or Young Upwardly Mobile Professional Person. This is not to say that young people are no longer upwardly mobile. Right now, in 2009, it’s radically more difficult than it was in the 1980s because everyone and their mother's dog has a college degree. Secondly, society can blame the economy but I refuse. Quite frankly it has become harder to succeed because society's standards have become nearly unattainable and uninclusive of perceptions of success as influenced by the fundamental differences in people that make them define achievement dissimilarly.

If you are thinking the last conclusion is a much more pleasant one...it's not. Success must be self-defined. It is inevitable that I meet people in their 50s who will never accomplish what I have while I'll also be faced with the 18 year old little shit that has accomplished more than I ever could in my lifetime. The solution can be perceived as a rather grim one: function separately from society in ways that don't get you arrested and live life at your own speed and with coherence to your own views of accomplishment? Easier said than done!

My boyfriend always tells me: "You are 22. It's about time you stop trying to change yourself. There comes a time when you have to be ok being you...whatever that is." I am done (well, maybe not) driving myself crazy because I am not Martha Stewart, Barack Obama, Marilyn Monroe, Coco Chanel or...God. I don't quite know what I am destined to do in this world...but I don't have to save the world, feed all the starving children, and pay off my college loans all at once!

When I feel empty I have become drained of all the rest of the world and full of me...only me. Empty is a state in which I become blissfully impervious to the rest of the world and the rules it is so unmerciful in holding me to. With that said, my proverbial glass is very, very full.