do you know what an ACoA is?

You work with them. You go to school with them. You are friends with them. You ride the train with them. They are the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Adult Children of Alcoholics is a book by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. It was a New York Times bestseller...in the 1980s. It is a book I was a little reluctant to read until about 3 weeks ago during my last days of residing at home with my mom. I say 'residing' because I was hardly living. All the bad things in the world only happen to my mom. I know that this is hardly the truth and I must remind her of how fortunate she is because I am her parent. I have never been a child and needless to say the role I took on in my family at 5 years old is the same role I will be viewed to have at 55 years old, barring any major changes in my parents habits.

There are 13 distinctive characteristics of an ACoA (and some of these are not limited to ACoAs and an ACoA may not show signs of all of these characteristics):

-ACoAs guess at what normal behavior is.

-ACoAs have difficulty following a project thru to its completion.

-ACoAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

-ACoAs judge themselves without mercy.

-ACoAs have difficulty having fun.

-ACoAs take themselves very seriously.

-ACoAs have difficult with intimate relationships.

-ACoAs overreact to changes over which they have no control.

-ACoAs constantly seek approval or affirmation.

-ACoAs usually feel that they are different from other people.

-ACoAs are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

-ACoAs are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

-ACoAs are impulsive.

Although I am not finished with the book, reading it has shined a light on a very basic fact of our world today; the true effect that alcoholism has on families and children has still not been fully acknowledged, recognized, or researched. Growing up I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to be opposite of the people who brought me into this world. I always remembered people that would say they grew up to be just like their mother or father without fail. Despite all of the time spent trying to change something that had not fully shaped yet, during my most crucial developmental years...I am finding that not all that much changed. I wake up and see my mother's face in the mirror almost everyday. I find myself resentful that I see normalcy around me and I can't attain it, grasp it, or become it. This book has opened my eyes a bit to my own issues and to the fact that the language of suffering is universal.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has ever had an alcoholic friend or family member...especially those who have come into contact with an ACoA. It has helped thousands understand the thinking that comes with this kind of traumatic upbringing, an upbringing that doesn't get the national attention it warrants.

this type of [@#&!] totally infuriates me!!

Dear France,

Seriously, since when is it OK to drug and rape a 13-year old girl?

Sincerely,

You Suck

the plight of good people

Change is good but change can be cumbersome. We are all married to change and some of these relationships are rather dysfunctional. Rather than describe my marriage with change as dysfunctional, change has been a loyal, nurturing, sustaining, and at times dismissive partner. I have been rejected and cast aside by change but I have always been reborn anew from change. Sometimes my date shows up and sometimes my date flakes. No matter what the situation change always gears me up for the better...at least that's the bullshit we have all been fed about life's lessons: you'll be a better person, this too shall pass, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The thing about this relationship with change is that it doesn't benefit all of its partners equally or consistently causing some problems in what I'll refer to as the intelligence "food" chain(pyramid). The only prejudice I'd admit to consciously employing on a regular basis is my prejudice against the ignorant. I can't stand it if people don't have a brain!! The groups of the pyramid are classified as the following where I is the highest level one can exist at: I-The Intelligent, D-The Discernible, U-The Underestimated, M-The Malleable, & E-The Elusive.

The Intelligent are exactly that but also open to change, resourceful, reflective, social, ambitious, understanding, & educated. Discernible people are smart, witty, and capable of being distinguished. Those who are Underestimated are resourceful and fully capable of navigating the social topography of the world but lack depth thus why they perform navigation & navigation only well. They pose and move through crowds and their labels as individuals are often misread. What you see is not what you get, they have simply...well, adapted and done a good job of it. Those who are Malleable lack a sense of oneness, of individuality. Often submissive, the Malleable are compliant, transparent & plastic-ready for shaping & influence. For them the delight or comfort comes in the form of new & trendy rules to follow or perhaps a new & trendy person (usually an Underestimated). They lack boundaries. Lastly, the Elusive are ignorant & difficult to classify. They are baffling, slippery, & shifty...horrifyingly unmoved & weak at mind (and at heart occasionally). I would be worried about thoroughly explicating my prejudice but I am really not hurting anyone since your perception of your intelligence is probably a good one and you think as your reading this that I could not possibly be speaking of people like you. Hpmh.

I hold nothing specific against any of these groups because in all actuality the world needs people to make burgers at McDonald's, commit crimes, talk shit on TV, and develop weapons that will bring upon the world's end. It is usually necessary for us to know the negative of something before we can appreciate the positive. I say all this to talk about one main facet of human character: accountability. The pyramid identifies 5 different groups of people that handle taking responsibility for their actions in different ways.

Literature in philosophy describes 'the (greater) good' to be something that can be achieved by those who work to attain the utmost intelligence and identifies higher intelligence as the thing everyone should quest for. This means that most of the things that go wrong fall into the hands of the Intelligent, those who are usually committed to 'the good'. I have huge problems with this. Nothing pisses me off more when people tell me, "You are the bigger person", "you are much more mature", and "You are so much more intelligent though". This means that because I am committed to 'the good', because I am intelligent I must be person who picks up the pieces left behind by the rest of the pyramid. Not OK.

This is the plight of good people. They must always take the wheel when the plane is crashing.

The quest is a process, a journey for me. Now, I am working on the part where I intelligently realize that if I'm to be appointed to the task of saving the world...I should gladly accept. Perhaps the next thing is to figure how to infiltrate the Underestimated in the government so that I can make at least $400,000 a year. You think Obama would be jealous?

Disclaimer: My pyramid is not presupposing anything about the mentally challenged or disabled and anything about the character of anyone in particular so please don't find a reason to be offended.